Tender Love & Fried Chicken

Love, l’amour, amore.

Matters of the heart have been on my mind more than usual lately. Maybe it’s the influence of the memoir? Maybe it’s because over the last few years many of my close friends have gotten married, had kids, bought property with their partners, moved countries, got divorced/broke up, etc etc? Maybe it’s because we all just lived through a global pandemic? Maybe it’s because the older I get the more I value my relationships? Maybe it’s because “love” is, in one way or another, present in all of the decisions and life experiences I mentioned above? 

Whatever the case, I think it’s safe to say that everyone wants to be loved, yes? Whether it’s romantically, in a familial way, or platonically. I think most people find peace in knowing that someone, or multiple people, cares for them, has deep affection towards them, only wants the best for them, and has their back. And for a long time that’s the lens through which I viewed love too. 

But, according to cultural critic, feminist theorist, and writer, bell hooks.  That’s actually not enough. According to her, “Care is a dimension of love, but simply giving care does not mean we are loving.” In her book All about love, which I highly recommend, she borrows from M. Scott Peck’s, The Road Less Traveled and defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s or another’s spiritual growth.” 

When you see that definition written down, or even saying it aloud, it seems easy enough. It almost feels like a no-brainer. ‘Of course, I can do that’, you may think to yourself. ‘Of course, I want to nurture the person or people I love. Of course, I want them to become a better version of themselves. Of course, I want them to experience nirvana because I am by their side.’ But the truth is probably more along the lines of giving that kind of love and actually receiving that kind of love is when things get a little tricky. 

When I got married, allll those years ago :), I thought I knew how to love, and to be honest, even for a while after my marriage ended I held on to that false belief. It took a lot of introspection, honesty with myself, and self-compassion to realize that I have a lot to learn when it comes to love. 

So that’s what I’m going to explore this season. During season 5 I will explore the emotion that makes the world go round, that gives the greatest dopamine high, that rationalizes doing things like marrying someone from a foreign country then moving there. 

I want to deepen my understanding of how other people love 

I want to explore how love affects people’s life paths 

I want to know how love surprises and disappoints

I want to know how other people nurture their own spirit 

And, lastly, I want to be able to look in the mirror and truthfully say “I am ready for love”.